weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
