Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
