I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Never joke about your clitoris.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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