you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
