The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
