Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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