So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
