Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
