need another drink. this is the easiest way
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
