just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize