I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
