you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
