i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
