How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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