Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
