worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
