dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
