I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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