careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
