dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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