i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
