I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
