Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
