I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize