One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
