yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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