If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
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i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
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Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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