Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
