I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
