Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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