I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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