I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
