Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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