My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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