So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
