After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
