Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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