they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
