i permit you to call me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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