I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize