my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
