my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
