dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
