You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
