So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
