god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
