I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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