It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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