You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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