If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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