Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
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I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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