my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My Sexting was not on an AP level
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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