I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
