i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
