He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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